["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
[fire crackles]
[puffs smoke]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
- [cranking, buzzing] - ♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk, But the rich folks walked ♪
- ♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪ - [chains rattle]
- [squealing] - ♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
- ♪ These old boys here ♪ - [menacing laughter]
♪ They ain't miners ♪
- ♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪ - [whacking]
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
[engine rumbles]
[indistinct rustling]
[male host] Please welcome, Donnell Rawlings!
[cheering and applause]
[audience whoos]
What's up?
[continued cheering and applause]
What's up?
Psych!
I don't trust white people.
[oohs and laughter]
Wakanda forever, motherfucker.
[audience laughs]
[Donnell laughs]
You ain't gonna laugh at none of my jokes there, motherfucker!
[laughter]
Give it up for Billy Ray Cyrus and that new song he's got coming out.
[cheering]
White people make me nervous.
Not white people, white women have made me nervous lately.
And not because of white privilege, it's 'cause of white women
and their cellphones.
They love to use their cellphones to call the police.
[laughter]
For any motherfucking thing.
They can't wait to pull that phone out.
You know what the fuck I'm talking about. [imitates gasping]
[audience laughs]
[gasping and indistinct vocalizing]
I'm telling you, if you're black,
that's one sound you don't ever want to hear a white woman say their phone.
[gasping and indistinct vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
If you get two "Ha's" in a row, you going straight to jail, nigga.
[imitates gasping] "Calling all cars, we have a, 'Ha, ha, ha!'"
For anything, they just walk around looking for shit.
- [Donnell whistles idly] - [laughter]
[clears throat]
"Excuse me, little boy,
do you have a permit for your lemonade stand?"
[oohs and laughter]
"No, ma'am."
[gasping and indistinct vocalizing] "There's no permit!"
[laughing]
This white woman called the police on this black guy because his dog
humped her dog in a dog park.
What the fuck you think dogs go to the park for?
- [audience laughs] - To hump.
You ever see a dog at a park? Soon as they walk in, they like...
[indistinct moaning]
"All these bitches in here!"
[laughter]
This is a white dog park, everybody's fixed.
Ain't nobody going to get pregnant in this motherfucker.
[continued laughter]
You know who started this shit? Barbecue Becky.
Do you know who Barbecue Becky is? All right, Barbecue Becky...
was a white woman from Oakland, California,
and she was a snitch.
[laughter]
And most white women from Oakland, California are snitches.
But she was a super snitch.
She had a cellphone with an external battery cord
going into a motorcycle battery.
[laughing]
Bitch was on the phone with the police for two hours
with 100% battery life.
[continued laughter]
Who the fuck ever has 100% battery life?
Soon as you wake up in the morning, "Fuck, I just woke up, I'm on 85%."
[laughing and applause]
You go in the bath... "I took a shit, I'm on 55%!"
Go outside, "1%? Fuck that, I ain't going out with 1%."
Barbecue Becky on the phone with the police,
black people behind her in the park, Barbecue Becky. [imitates gasping]
- [audience laughs] - [gasping and vocalizing]
They was like, "What's wrong?" She said, "They're harassing me!"
[gasping]
Police said, "What are they doing?" She said, "They're barbecuing!"
[laughter]
Police is like, "What?" She said, "With black charcoals!"
I thought this was the dumbest shit I ever heard in my life.
I had to do more research.
You know why Barbecue Becky was so upset?
Because the black people invited her to the barbecue the year before.
They said barbecue... You can come to the barbecue.
[laughing]
She was like... [indistinct vocalizing]
[continued laughter]
She said, "What should I bring?"
They said, "Whatever you want, bitch, just come to the barbecue."
BBQ Becky showed up the next day to the black barbecue
with some white people potato salad.
[oohs and laughter]
That shit had apple chunks and raisins and...
- [woman cackles] - grapes and cinnamon flakes and...
She had olive oil and hummus and yogurt and shit.
That shit ain't had no mustard, no relish, no mayonnaise...
They was like, "Where the egg at, ho?
[audience laughs]
Ain't even no egg in this white people potato salad, bitch.
I can't eat this shit."
[laughter]
I'm a big music fan, man. You like music? Sir, what's your favorite music?
- [man] Hip-hop. - Hip-hop, you lying like a motherfucker.
- [audience laughs] - Yo, nigga, don't even try that shit!
He said that shit like a hostage, [sing-songy] "Hip-hop!"
[audience laughs]
What about R&B? I'm an R&B-head. I'm old school.
- Old school motherfucker. - [women whoo]
I'm old school. I grew... I'm old school. I like shit you can grind off of and shit.
I grew up... We had fuck tapes.
- [laughter] - You know what a fuck tape is?
Little girl, do you know what a fucking fuck tape is?
- [continued laughter] - No, you don't.
You like this, "Send me the link! Send me the link!
Send me the link."
A fuck tape is a tape that you fuck off of.
It helps you with your rhythm, your stamina.
- It's like a Fitbit for your dick. - [audience laughs]
[woman cackles]
You know how long you been in the pussy by what track you on.
[cheering]
You like this, "Oh, I'm only on track three?"
[audience laughs]
- I'm about to give her the dick-dick. - [continued laughter]
And then your tape would pop, you'd be fucked up.
Just an uncoordinated dick with no rhythm.
Then they came out with fuck CDs. You know what a fuck CD is?
A fuck CD is a fuck tape on a CD.
[laughter]
- [Donnell sighs] - [applause]
And it was the shit as long as you ain't had no scratch on your CD.
You ever scratch your CD, that shit will always skip
at the wrong time.
You right in the groove, you like, [melodic] "Girl...
[imitates skipping] tonight...
- ;[audience laughs] - [Donnell skipping imitation continues]
[skipping imitation continues]
You don't want to stop fucking. You just fuck faster...
- [laughter] - "Whatever, bitch!"
[skipping imitation continues]
[continued laughter]
[skipping imitation intensifies, then fades]
You know you don't like hip-hop, you know you a country motherfucker.
[audience laughs]
I like country more now, that song, "Old Town Road."
- You know that song, "Old Town Road"? - [cheering]
♪ Yeah, I'm going to take... ♪
You know that song, sir?
♪ Yeah, I'm going to take my horse to the old town road ♪
- ♪ I'm gonna... ♪ - [audience] ♪ Ride ♪
[all] ♪ Till I can't... ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
[laughter]
Lil Nas and Billy Ray.
Billy Ray sound like a Southern Baptist preacher on that shit.
- [audience laughs] - He was like...
[enthusiastic vocalizing]
♪ Can't nobody tell... ♪
[enthusiastic vocalizing]
[laughter]
The... If you don't know this song you fucking stupid as shit.
- [audience laughs] - The number one country song
in America for 18 weeks straight.
Broke every Billboard record.
Fucking Boyz II Men broke that shit. Mariah Carey broke that shit.
The number one country song in America on Billboard charts,
and white people love the song.
They loved it until...
[laughter and oohs]
They were cool with it until finding out it was a nigga singing that shit.
They was like, "What the fuck happened to the 'Old Town Road'?
[audience laughs]
God damn nigger, Nas, you just tricked me!"
[laughter]
"I'm driving to 'Old Town Road,'
nigger Nas made a left on Dr. Martin Luther King Boulevard."
[continued laughter]
And he's gay!
Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but he's, like, gangster gay.
- [laughing] - He's, like, don't-give-a-fuck gay.
Lil Nas don't give a fuck.
Lil Nas is everything Jussie Smollett wanted to be.
[cheering and laughing]
[applause]
The gay Tupac.
- [imitates Tupac] ♪ Cum in me! ♪ - [oohs and laughter]
Too soon, nigga? I'll do it again.
[imitates Tupac] ♪ Cum in me! ♪
♪ La-da-da-da, da-da-da ♪
♪ I ain't no homo but don't push me ♪
- [woman whoos] - [audience oohs]
White people confused again, like, "Goddamn nigger Nas did it again.
[laughter]
Made a left on Dr. Martin Luther King Boulevard
then drove me down Brokeback Mountain.
I don't know what the fuck to think about this goddamn song."
[laughter]
That motherfucker is gangster as shit
and the thing I respect about him, when he came out of the closet,
he fucked hip-hop up. Motherfuckers confused like shit.
'Cause everybody knew that song. They was like,
[gruff vocals] ♪ Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
- [Donnell vocalizing] - [audience laughs]
He said he was gay, them niggas was like...
[laughter]
- [yelling] "Nigga, you gay? - [continued laughter]
You gay-gay?"
'Cause black people, we want to know what level gay you are.
You can't just say, "I'm gay."
They like, "You gay? You gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay?
- How many gays are you, motherfucker?" - [audience laughs]
But I respect him, 'cause when he came out and said he was gay,
he responded... Everybody was upset. He said,
"I thought it was obvious."
[laughter]
That's some gangster-ass shit, right there.
And it was obvious to me, I don't know why it wasn't obvious to the world.
I knew Lil Nas was gay
because the first time I heard him in the interview,
he started his sentences off like this...
[clicks tongue] "Um..."
[audience laughs]
[applause]
[cheering]
[effeminate] "Yas!
Yas, Nas!
Yas!"
[laughter]
And then he got even more gangster. He tweeted the next day,
'cause everybody was fucking with him, he said, and I quote,
"The next one of you niggas..."
I was like, "This Tupac, nigga!"
[audience laughs]
He said, "The next one of you niggas say some offensive shit to me,
I'm going to kiss you."
[oohs and laughter]
And guess what, ain't nobody say shit!
[cheering]
Them niggas was quiet as a motherfucker. Nas was like,
[gruff vocals] ♪ Can't nobody tell me... ♪
[clicks tongue] "Yas!"
[applause and laughter]
This song is so gangster...
Listen, this little black dude got black people buying horses.
[audience laughs]
That live in apartments, motherfucker.
[laughter]
Where you going to raise this bitch-ass horse? [chuckles]
Can you imagine that shit? Horses in the hood?
[laughing]
Could you imagine horses in the hood?
It would be horseshit on every goddamn corner.
'Cause black people don't pick up shit.
You don't know the last time you picked up some shit. Niggas don't...
Black people don't pick up no shit. You better hope it rains,
that's the only way that shit's getting off that block.
- [laughter] - If it don't rain,
the whole neighborhood going to be shitty.
White people love to pick up shit. You motherfuckers love to pick up shit.
White people can't wait to pick up shit.
- They go shopping for shit bags. - [continued laughter]
Them blue bags, they read the box and shit, biodegradable,
environmentally friendly.
They can't wait to... They got the little pouch to put the shit bags.
They got the shit-bag fucking purse.
They can't wait to rip off a sheet.
You probably got some blue sheets in your pocket right now.
They can't wait to be like... [imitates bag whooshing]
[audience laughs]
[imitates whoosh]
You know how much pressure it is being walked by a white dog owner?
You can't just enjoy your walk, you gotta shit immediately.
It ain't no, "Sit, Bruno." It's like, "Shit, Bruno!"
[laughter]
You know how stressed out that dog is? [laughs]
You know that motherfucker like this, "Here come this motherfucker with..."
'Cause once a dog do this move right here, ain't no coming back.
Ain't no... A human can't come back from this shit.
You can try to fight somebody, you gotta shit,
it's all, "Nigga, I'm gonna kick your... Oh, oh, oh..."
[audience laughs]
White people have them blue bags...
[imitates bag whipping]
"Ah!
"Fucking yes, Bruno!
- Fucking yes! - [continued laughter]
Great stool, Bruno!
Good job!"
[inhales deeply, screams in ecstasy]
They put it in their pocket, they walk away.
- [whistles idly] - [audience laughs]
Black people don't pick up no shit.
You ever see a black person walk their dog?
Their dog start to shit, they act like they don't even know the dog no more.
- [laughter] - They like, "Oh, no, you shitting?
I'm getting out of here.
You gonna get us locked up, motherfucker.
You better do this shit right here.
[laughing]
That's... You better remember this shit, motherfucker.
[laughter and applause]
That's the only way that shit's getting off of here."
White people love picking up shit and they love to rescue dogs.
- I know you got a rescue dog. - [audience laughs]
I know you got... Every white friend of mine got a rescue dog.
I don't have a problem with rescue dogs.
I have a problem with rescue dog owners.
'Cause they sensitive as shit!
You can't say shit about this punk-ass dog.
They say... You just trying to figure out what kind of dog it is.
[laughter]
That's all you... You looking at the dog like this.
You like, "What type of dog are you, nigga?"
[continued laughter]
He looks up, "What type of nigga are you, dog?"
[uproarious laughter]
[Donnell laughs]
Then you ask the owner, "What kind of dog is it?"
"It's a rescue." "Bitch, what breed is that motherfucking dog?"
I don't give a fuck where you found this three-legged paralyzed-ass dog.
[oohs and laughter]
[laughs] I was just trying to figure out what kind of dog this punk-ass dog is.
White people have insurance for their motherfucking dogs.
Black don't have no insurance. [laughs] You a black dog owner, your dog...
fucking get a broken leg, that nigga's leg is broke
- for the rest of his motherfucking life. - [audience laughs]
He walking around the hood like a pimp from the '70s and shit. He like this...
- [uproarious laughter] - "I ain't got no insurance out here.
Fuck this black shit!"
White people get wheelchairs for their dogs. [laughs]
Them dogs get fancy shit when they get paralyzed.
You ever seen a wheelchair dog?
That motherfucker had them wheels, he be like this...
[audience laughs]
He just be pulling up on the block... [imitates tires screeching]
[laughter]
"Get on the back, bitch. I'm outta here!" [indistinct barking]
You got a... Do you have a rescue dog?
Don't lie... Two? You rescued them motherfuckers, did you?
- Yeah, see what the fuck up? - [audience laughs]
Yeah, they was like, "Meow, meow, meow. I got ya!"
[continued laughter]
I'm in Vegas, and I can look at these tables and see that
none of you motherfuckers care about the environment.
[audience laughs]
All these plastic-ass straws and shit.
You didn't get the memo? Did you hear about this shit?
They trying to ban straws, you're like,
"Yeah, I got the... I wipe my ass with that bitch-ass memo."
[laughter]
Sir, did you know this?
They trying to ban straws all across the country. The world.
I didn't believe this shit and I didn't think it was real
until I went to... I went to fucking Montreal, Canada.
I went to this bar, right?
And I walked in and I said, "Can I get a Tito's and tonic?"
Right, white lady came back, she gave me a Tito's and tonic
and the shit didn't have a straw in it.
I said, "Can I get a straw?" She said...
- [imitates gasping and vocalizing] - [audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
[imitates gasping and vocalizing]
- I was like, "Bitch, what's wrong?" - [imitates gasping and vocalizing]
She was like, [stammers] "You didn't hear about the turtle?"
That's what I said. She said, "You didn't hear about the turtle?" I said...
"The turtle?"
- She said, "Yeah, the turtle." - [laughter]
I don't know. Here's the story.
There was these marine biologists, right, sir?
All right, first off, marine biologists are always, always, always...
going to be white people.
[audience laughs]
I'm not racist, but you never gonna see a black marine biologist
because black people like fried fish sandwiches way too much
to catch and release, motherfucker. I'm gonna catch and grease that bitch.
[laughter]
White people love to fucking rescue shit.
They catch the fucking fish,
they put tags on 'em, they swim with 'em.
[continued laughter]
[yelling] "Bye, Molly!"
[laughing]
So, these marine biologists rescue this turtle
and they do an examination of the turtle and they notice that the turtle
had a straw in his nose, right?
And everybody's upset. "Fuck! Humans are assholes.
I can't believe they would do this to this fucking turtle!"
[laughter]
Right, and they tried to pull it out. It wouldn't come out, they took pliers,
fucking turtle's nose started bleeding and shit.
They was like, "Fuck, I can't believe this shit".
And everybody was upset that this turtle had a straw in its nose.
But nobody was upset that this turtle
had a motherfucking cocaine problem, motherfucker!
- [cheering] - Get the fuck outta here,
you crackhead-ass turtle!
You know how long it takes a turtle to do a line of cocaine?
[laughter]
[Donnell laughs]
Can you imagine that shit? That motherfucker's like this...
[continued laughter]
- [sniffs] "Hurry up, motherfucker!" - [audience laughs]
Why the fuck is the straw all the way out your nose like Bobby Brown, nigga?
What the fuck is wrong?
Vegas, y'all been great.
[cheering]
[applause]
Oh, I gotta say one thing.
[yelling] I'm rich, biatch!
[continued cheering and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk, But the rich folks walked ♪
♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪
♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
♪ These old boys here, they ain't miners ♪
♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪